TV

When I wrote about all my reading, I indicated that I hardly watch any TV anymore. And that is true. But I should give a shout-out to the current incarnation (2005-present) of  Dr. Who, a show whose first ten seasons I surged through last fall. Also I revisited and finally finished the three seasons of "I, Zombie," which I thoroughly enjoyed and recommend to anyone with a Netflix streaming subscription. And lately, "Lucifer," in its third season, is probably my favorite show. I will also try to keep up with "Full Frontal with Samantha Bee" and "John Oliver: Last Week Tonight."

Talking about TV also makes me think about those shows I loved but managed to not finish. I watched every episode of "ER," for example, but missed the series finale due to storms interfering with our satellite dish. Some shows I stopped watching as my depression waxed, like "Breaking Bad," "Dexter," "How I Met Your Mother," and others. Instead I would get episode recaps from Matt. This was one of the pains, though minor, I ruminated on, as certain shows he had committed to reached the end of their run soon after his suicide. I would think "Matt, you were so wrapped up in this show; how could you not wait to see what happened at the end?" Such a trivial question, but from personal experience, it is sometimes the little things that manage to keep you going. Your family, your obsessions, your friends, your job or community, those are obviously what enrich the majority of your life, but when clinging to the cliff's edge, another episode of a treasured TV show may make the difference between life and death. I guess this may illustrate a significant departure of my depression from Matt's. But then again, it feels wrong to use television as some significant marker in such a major decision/life event/whatever.

I wish I could talk about the end of [insert TV show here] with Matt. We were so alike, so in-tune, and I miss that terribly. I miss him terribly. If I were a writer, I would construct a script where we end up happily ever after, and all the fans go away happy and we ride off into the sunset.

Books

If I backed off from music in the time since Matt died, the opposite is true of books. I can think of several reasons why: Matt wasn't a big reader, so no baggage there; I have a lot of time to fill, and I read FAST. I don't seem to have the attention span for much video games or TV/movies anymore, either, so really, reading is what I spend way more time doing than anything else.

I thought it might be interesting to try and document what I've read in the last maybe 6-9 months. I do re-read a lot, so I'll indicate re-reads with an asterisk. Mostly I'm compiling this from my library and Amazon history, so I may forget some physical books, especially loaners from others. Anyway, here goes... (not in the order of reading, at all)...

1. The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar - Dahl, Roald
2. Finding Everett Ruess the life and unsolved disappearance of a legendary wilderness explorer - Roberts, David
3. Lost boy - Jeffs, Brent W.
4. Lone Wolf - Picoult, Jodi
5. Thirteen reasons why, a novel - Asher, Jay
6. Into the silence the Great War, Mallory, and the conquest of Everest - Davis, Wade
7. The lost explorer finding Mallory on Mount Everest - Anker, Conrad
8. After dead : [what came next in the world of Sookie Stackhouse] - Harris, Charlain
9. Eragon* - Paolini, Christopher
10. Eldest - Paolini, Christopher
11. Brisingr - Paolini, Christopher
12. Inheritance - Paolini, Christopher
13. Hunter - Lackey, Mercedes
14. Elite - Lackey, Mercedes
15. Apex - Lackey, Mercedes
16. The psychopath test a journey through the madness industry - Ronson, Jon
17. Lone Wolf - Picoult, Jodi
18. Angels & Demons* - Brown, Dan
19. The Da Vinci Code* - Brown, Dan
20. The Lost Symbol* - Brown, Dan
21. Inferno - Brown, Dan
22. Dead reckoning - Harris, Charlaine
23. Deadlocked - Harris, Charlaine
24. Dead in the family - Harris, Charlaine
25. Dead and gone - Harris, Charlaine
26. From Dead to Worse - Harris, Charlaine
27. All Together Dead - Harris, Charlaine
28. Definitely Dead - Harris, Charlaine
29. Dead as a Doornail - Harris, Charlaine
30. Dead to the World - Harris, Charlaine
31. Club Dead - Harris, Charlaine
32. Living Dead in Dallas - Harris, Charlaine
33. Dead Until Dark - Harris, Charlaine
34. The Hunger Games - Collins, Suzanne
35. Catching Fire - Collins, Suzanne
36. Mockingjay - Collins, Suzanne
37. Fortune's fool - Lackey, Mercedes
38. One good knight - Lackey, Mercedes
39. Raven's shadow - Briggs, Patricia
40. Raven's strike - Briggs, Patricia
41. Look me in the eye my life with Asperger's - Robison, John Elder
42. Be different adventures of a free-range Aspergian with practical advice for Aspergians, misfits, families & teachers - Robison, John Elder
43. The sleeping beauty - Lackey, Mercedes
44. Beauty and the werewolf - Lackey, Mercedes
45. The fairy godmother - Lackey, Mercedes
46. Masques - Briggs, Patricia
47. Wolfsbane - Briggs, Patricia
48. The snow queen - Lackey, Mercedes
49. Son of Avonar (Bridge of D'Arnath) - Berg, Carol
50. Guardians of the keep (Bridge of D'Arnath) - Berg, Carol
51. The Soul Weaver (Bridge of D'Arnath) - Berg, Carol
52. Daughter of Ancients (Bridge of D'Arnath) - Berg, Carol
53. Gwenhwyfar the white spirit - Lackey, Mercedes
54. Owlflight* - Lackey, Mercedes
    Lackey, Merce
55. Owlknight* - Lackey, Mercedes
56. Owlsight* - Lackey, Mercedes
57. The Spirit Lens: A Novel of the Collegia Magica - Berg, Carol
58. The soul mirror a novel of the Collegia Magica - Berg, Carol
59. The daemon prism : a novel of the Collegia Magica - Berg, Carol
60. Foundation (Collegium Chronicles)* - Lackey, Mercedes
61. Intrigues (Collegium Chronicles)* - Lackey, Mercedes
62. Changes (Collegium Chronicles)* - Lackey, Mercedes
63. Redoubt (Collegium Chronicles)* - Lackey, Mercedes
64. Bastion (Collegium Chronicles)* - Lackey, Mercedes
65. Closer to home (The Herald Spy Trilogy)* - Lackey, Mercedes
66. Closer to the heart (The Herald Spy Trilogy)* - Lackey, Mercedes
67. Closer to the chest (The Herald Spy Trilogy) - Lackey, Mercedes
68. Leviathan - Westerfeld, Scott
69. Behemoth - Westerfeld, Scott
70. Goliath - Westerfeld, Scott
71. Stories from Jonestown - Fondakowski, Leigh
72. No god but God : the origins and evolution of Islam - Aslan, Reza
73. Into thin air a personal account of the Mount Everest disaster - Krakauer, Jon
74. Written In Red* - Anne Bishop
75. Etched in Bone* - Anne Bishop
76. Marked in Flesh* - Anne Bishop
77. Vision in Silver* - Anne Bishop
78. Murder of Crows* - Anne Bishop
79. Lake Silence - Anne Bishop
80. Moon Called* - Briggs, Patricia
81. Night Broken* - Briggs, Patricia
82. Frost Burned* - Briggs, Patricia
83. River Marked* - Briggs, Patricia
84. Silver Borne* - Briggs, Patricia
85. Bone Crossed* - Briggs, Patricia
86. Iron Kissed* - Briggs, Patricia
87. Blood Bound* - Briggs, Patricia
88. Fire Touched* - Briggs, Patricia
89. Silence Fallen* - Briggs, Patricia
90. On The Prowl* - Briggs, Patricia
91. Cry Wolf* - Briggs, Patricia
92. Hunting Ground* - Briggs, Patricia
93. Fair Game* - Briggs, Patricia
94. Dead Heat* - Briggs, Patricia
95. Burn Bright - Briggs, Patricia
96. Fifty Shades of Grey* - James, EL
97. Fifty Shades Darker* - James, EL
98. Fifty Shades Freed* - James, EL
99. Grey - James, EL
100. Darker - James, EL
101. Take a Thief* - Lackey, Mercedes
102. Oathblood* - Lackey, Mercedes
103. Oathbreakers* - Lackey, Mercedes
104. Exile’s Valor* - Lackey, Mercedes
105. Exile’s Honor* - Lackey, Mercedes
106. By the Sword*  - Lackey, Mercedes
107. Winds of Fate*  - Lackey, Mercedes
108. Winds of Change*  - Lackey, Mercedes
109. Winds of Fury*  - Lackey, Mercedes
110. Storm Warning*  - Lackey, Mercedes
111. Storm Rising*  - Lackey, Mercedes
112. Storm Breaking*  - Lackey, Mercedes
113. Dust and Light - Berg, Carol
114. Ash and Silver - Berg, Carol
115. Flesh and Spirit* - Berg, Carol
116. Breath and Bone* - Berg, Carol
117. Transformation (The Books of the Rai-kirah)* - Berg, Carol
118. Restoration (The Books of the Rai-kirah)* - Berg, Carol
119. Revelation (The Books of the Rai-kirah)* - Berg, Carol
120. Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened - Brosh, Allie
121. Arrows of the Queen* - Lackey, Mercedes
122. Arrow's Flight* - Lackey, Mercedes
123. Arrow's Fall* - Lackey, Mercedes
124. Pathways - Lackey, Mercedes
125. Tempest* - Lackey, Mercedes
126. Crucible* - Lackey, Mercedes
127. No True Way* - Lackey, Mercedes
128. Under the Vale* - Lackey, Mercedes
129. Sword of Ice* - Lackey, Mercedes
130. Sun in Glory* - Lackey, Mercedes
131. Crossroads* - Lackey, Mercedes
132. Moving Targets* - Lackey, Mercedes
133. Changing the World * - Lackey, Mercedes
134. Finding the Way* - Lackey, Mercedes
135. Wizard's First Rule* - Goodkind, Terry
136. Stone of Tears* - Goodkind, Terry
137. Imperial Order* - Goodkind, Terry
138. Blood of the Fold* - Goodkind, Terry
139. Temple of the Winds* - Goodkind, Terry
140. Soul of the Fire* - Goodkind, Terry
141. Faith of the Fallen* - Goodkind, Terry
142. The Pillars of Creation* - Goodkind, Terry
143. Naked Empire* - Goodkind, Terry
144. Chainfire* - Goodkind, Terry
145. Phantom* - Goodkind, Terry
146. Confessor* - Goodkind, Terry
147. The Law of Nines - Goodkind, Terry
148. The Omen Machine* - Goodkind, Terry
149. The First Confessor: The Legend of Magda Searus* - Goodkind, Terry
150. The Third Kingdom* - Goodkind, Terry
151. Severed Souls* - Goodkind, Terry
152. Warheart * - Goodkind, Terry
153. Sebastian* - Anne Bishop
154. Belladonna* - Anne Bishop
155. Bridge of Dreams* - Anne Bishop

Well that's all I can manage today. If someone (you magical reader, who somehow checks this blog despite its utter neglect) remembers something I need to add, let me know. Otherwise, I will just express my gratefulness that there are people out there writing books that are compelling enough to keep someone willing to stick around to see what comes next.

Music

One of the things that was tainted by Matt’s death was music. You’d think something so huge, so varied, would manage to escape the ravages of the aftermath of suicide. But no. I almost completely stopped listening to my personal music collection. I replaced the hole with podcasts. And that wasn’t all bad - for example, last fall in Austin I attended a VIP event with the hosts of one of my favorite podcasts (“God Awful Movies,” also “The Scathing Atheist” and “The Skepticrat” and “Citation Needed”) and that was an amazing experience. Hell, Matt Dillahunty personally extended an invitation to stay with him and his wife if I wanted to visit Austin but couldn’t crash with my sister.

But why am I posting today? Well I’ve been trying to reclaim music. What works best is music that I listened to/liked before Matt and I were serious. So there’s a lot of 1990s classics, like Nine Inch Nails and Korn (my first rock concert ever). And it’s been pretty great. I do love music. It digs down into this visceral part of me and extracts all sorts of emotions. Some of them do make me think of Matt, like the Incubus album I bought junior year of high school, or anything played during the 2000 tour of Metallica/Korn/System of a Down/ Kid Rock/Powerman 5000 at Texas Stadium where we were in the mosh pit (and so hot! But feeling so alive!). But some of the music just reminds me of a time where I felt optimistic and hopeful. And I can certainly use a lot of that.

So I will continue trying to reclaim music. Listening to lyrics yelling “dead bodies everywhere” certainly seems less than hopeful, but maybe some raging against the machine via music will let me be more positive in other aspects of my life. I might as well try anything at this point, right?